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Episode 46/Transcript
Than: Hold on, you want me to what now? Jenna Darabond: We need you to stay on the football team Than. Than: Oh, we like football now? Jenna Darabond: No Than, we still hate football. Than: Uh huh, uh huh, okay, so, what are we doing? Jenna Darabond: We need you to stay on the football team and make sure that you lose State. Than: Lose State, huh? You know, the guys aren't gonna be happy about that! Jenna Darabond: No Than, they're not. That's why you can't tell them! Than: Oh, well I don't know, they really want to win. Jenna Darabond: Than, do you know what will happen if the football team wins state? Than: Yeah, all the guys'll be really happy, there'll probably be a parade, and then afterward we'll all celebrate with a shower! Jenna Darabond: No Than, the second they win, they'll be done with you. And everything will go back to the way it was. You'll be an outcast all over again. They hate you Than, they hate all of us. Than: Well, to be fair, they have on many occasions told me they hated me. Jenna Darabond: Than, here's what I need from you. I need you to stay on the football team. I need you to help the football team. And then, when they need you most, I need you to destroy the football team. And they can never know. Than: Wait, you want me to Homeland them? Jenna Darabond: What? Than: You want me to infiltrate the football team, pretend to be one of them, while the entire time, I'm destroying them from the inside? Jenna Darabond: Yes? Than: Homeland them. Jenna Darabond: I guess. Than: Alright, well, I'm probably gonna need to engage members of the team sexually, you know, just to keep them on my side. Jenna Darabond: No... I don't think that you need to do that. Than: You clearly have not seen Homeland! Jenna Darabond: No, I mostly just listen to podcasts and watch old episodes of The State. Than: Oh. Okay, well, uh, I like the plan. Little adjustment. What if instead, I help the football team win State? Then, they all like and accept me. And then, I tell them that you are cool and so they also like and accept you and everybody else. Then everybody's good and before you know it we're all showering! Jenna Darabond: Than, you don't want to disappoint me, do you? Than: No, I mean, of course not! Jenna Darabond: Because I've always felt like you and I have had a connection. Just two people who are sexually free, exploring the world... Than: Oh yeah! I just give that shit away! Did I ever tell you about the time I sucked that guy off in Daytona Beach? Jenna Darabond: Yes, many times. So if you do this for me, maybe at the end of all this you, me and Justin can have our own little private celebration. Than: Justin, huh? Yeah I could be into that. Jenna Darabond: Or, maybe just me and you. Than: Well I don't know— (Jenna Darabond kisses Than) Jenna Darabond: Mmm, you like that? Ooh, yeah. Ooh, ooh, get it, mmm. Than: That's new. Jenna Darabond: Mmmm. Than: How am I enjoying this? Jenna Darabond: You like it. You like it. You like it. Than: Are you inside me? Jenna Darabond: I know you'll do the right thing. Than: Oh man, this is so fucking Homeland! Deandra: I mean, you guys probably don't know this, but when I first joined the team, it was strictly to gain access to your Pizza Street buffet. Matthew: No, we were definitely aware of that. Tanner: Yeah, you made that abundantly clear actually. Deandra: Oh, huh. Had no idea. (Bridget delivers a pizza) Ah, thank you my dear. Anyway, I have to say, football has actually turned out to be quite the positive outlet for me. I mean, I'm making new friends, got a shit-ton of college scholarship offers, and little did I know, I actually had a lot of pent-up rage issues I needed to work through. Blaine: Really? From what? Deandra: Oh mostly from a particular incident where a group of girls I assumed to be my friends forcibly ripped my arms from my body! Eh, remember that? Remember that? Yeah. Shay: I thought you said you were over that. Deandra: Oh now I am. Now I am. You gonna eat those chicken wings? Mackenzie: I already ate them. Deandra: You call that eating? Look at all that meat still on there! Mackenzie: Where? Deandra: Right there, on the nubs! Shay: Ugh gross. That's disgusting. Dendra: The nub's the best part of the entire wing! Everybody knows that all the flavor's encased inside of the nub meat, duh! Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about, right! Yeah... mmmm... nothing like a little bit of good nub. Mmm, mango habanero! Everyone: Than! Matthew: There he is. Trisha: Hey Jonathan! Tanner: Hey Trisha, actually, it's Than. Trisha: Oh cool! That is gonna be so much easier to spell. Than: Hey, uh, thanks Tanner. Tanner: Yeah! No problem, buddy. Than: Whoa, I'm your buddy? Really? Tanner: Yeah, Than, we're teammates right? Got to have each other's back. Than: Yeah, of course. You know, I'll get your back, your front, I'll get your underneath, if you want. Tanner: Alright, take it easy pal. Classic Than. Than: What? Yeah, Classic Than! Matthew: My baby doesn't need to worry about spelling good when she spends so much time looking good. Trisha: Awwwww... are you gonna eat that crust? Matthew: Oh no baby, you want it? Trisha: Oh, no, I just get curious when I'm hungry. Deandra: Did somebody say, crust? Yoink! You know, normally, I watch my carb intake, but, never mind they just restocked the mashed potato fountain! No time to talk to anybody ever. Mashed potatoes! Mackenzie: Hey, Than, I heard you're quitting the football team. Than: What? Oh, no, no, no, not me. No, I'm one hundred percent for this team. Full support, you know. No inner thoughts, no, no other alliances at all, just, no, nope. Yep. Here we are. My team. My guys. No betrayal. Mackenzie: A simple, um, no, would have done, but thank you. Tanner: Hey everybody, I just want to, uh, say something! You know, we're undefeated so far this season and we've got a real shot at State. Blaine: Yeah State, State—! Tanner: Hold on, hold on, Blaine. And I know none of us could have predicted that our team would end up looking like this, but guys, I think we've stumbled into something really special. Matthew: We've got the perfect combination of power, speed and teamwork to carry us all the way to the championship! Tanner: And honestly, I couldn't be happier than to share it with all of you guys as my teammates. And that includes you too Deandra! Deandra: (to Bridget) No, I don't want a bunch of little croutons! I want you to crouton this loaf of bread for me! What the fuck is so hard to understand about that? Tanner: She's great! Matthew: I'd like to propose a toast! To teammates, lovers, and friends new and old! Blaine: Yeah! Friends, friends, friends, friends, friends! Than: Yeah! And hopefully we'll still be friends, you know, even if by some chance we happen to suddenly and dramatically not win the championship. Matthew: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Than. Don't be putting that out in the universe, now. Tanner: Yeah, Than, with you and Deandra on this team now, we are literally unstoppable. Than: No, yeah, I know, yeah, of course, it's just, you know, I believe that as well, you know, for sure, but you know, some people get injured, things happen, you know, people start playing not so well unexpectedly for no reason whatsoever, you know. Things. Tanner: Okay Than, I think I know what's going on. Than: What? You do? Okay, look, she kissed me, okay, so I just— Tanner: What? No. I get it man you're nervous. Big game coming up, you think you're gonna choke, I hear you little buddy, but listen. I'll admit before you joined the team, I didn't have a lot of respect for you. In fact, I thought you were a giant garbage fire of a human being. But after the past couple weeks, I've realized, you're not so bad after all. And who knows, maybe after we win State, you and me, buddy, will end up becoming pretty good friends, huh? Than: Oh god, are you gonna kiss me too? Tanner: No Jesus, Than, no I'm never gonna kiss you. Than: Okay but lets just say, total fucking hypothetical, I suck unexplainably bad at some point during the State Championship game. We're still cool right? Tanner: Hey man, trust me, Than, you're not gonna suck. Let's not even talk about that happening. Than: Okay, well, I'm just saying, you know, anything can happen, Murphy's Law. Oh God, this is so fucking Homeland.